Incompetent

 
Maybe you wouldn’t be able to tell now, but I spent a lot of my life walking on eggshells under the assumption that if I messed up, caused too much noise, needed things, or generally took up space, it would result in anger, disapproval, and lack of love from the people I was hoping to be accepted by.

These habits became a cyclical nightmare of bad relationships, unhealthy choices, disordered eating, stunting my personal growth, and overall keeping my Self small.

I talk about this a lot, I know. It’s important though.

Confidence is defined “a feeling of self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities” or “the feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something”. That someone is you, Love.

Staying small doesn’t get you very far. It’s a great place to hide for awhile, but ultimately it’s uncomfortable and your Soul will writhe in agony until it has busted through the self-limiting chains you’ve restricted it to.

I’m in Germany right now where I know about eight words (which I can only say in a sadly American accent). My confidence has been challenged every day through a combination of trivial things that add up to me feeling incompetent. Grocery shopping is an arduous task when I try to read the labels and follow signs I don’t understand around a store. When someone looks at me to converse, I stare blankly with my brain in limbo somewhere between English, Spanish, and the useless German words Duolingo taught me. I’m staying in an impeccably orderly and efficient (it IS Germany) home where I usually mess up using the fancy appliances.

Reality isn’t actually punishing me for “messing up”. The people around me are giving nothing but support for the things I’m trying to do and understanding for my barriers. In fact, I’m not even met with the exasperation, disappointment, and earth shattering annoyance I expect. Instead, I’m given patience and instruction in a way that is entirely understanding of my good intentions and expresses a genuine care for me to learn.

I could chose to stay small and try to hide under the radar, but where will that get me? I’d rather stand tall and confident, with a noisy mess of crushed eggshells beneath me.

I am not incompetent – I’m learning.