 (Trigger Warning: I am still very much recovering from body image issues and disordered eating. My language is not perfect. The thoughts I express are not entirely sensitive. It's still difficult for me to love myself unconditionally. This was really hard to write and took an inordinate amount of time, but I hope you get the idea.)
I admire the fuck out of this girl. She had been holding pieces of a broken heart for years, and just started loosening her grasp. She took the risk of seeing the world in a way everyone else said was irresponsible. She had navigated airports, buses, and longtail boats that dropped her in the shallows of a bay at low tide with her backpack. She'd just come from a life changing month in Sri Lanka after being robbed in India. She was questioning her purpose and thirsting to discover what else life had in store for her. Obviously, that girl was, and always will be, a version of me. Yet when I look back on this series of photos as some of my favorites of all time, I have to admit I constantly struggle with seeing this version of me. Since then, I've expanded in more ways than one. It was the day before my 28th birthday and I was at least 15lbs lighter. Body image issues die really hard, ya'll. I'm as threatened by this girl as I am by every other girl in her 20s as I compare our bodies. I wish I could stand here and say that I know it doesn't matter what I look like, but that would be dishonest. However, when it comes down to it, I admire this current version of myself even more when I can look at where I came from. I am a woman now, living in a woman's body that comes complete with curves, stretch marks, and a fair share of aches and limitations. I am the product of the expansion and growth I'd been setting myself up for. I'm confident now in ways that have nothing to do with my body. I've expanded my inquiry of "what is Love?" to actually include allowing love into my world. I've learned to make home wherever I land and thrive with what I've got. I've learned to lead by example and inspire by living my own truth. I've worn sexy clothing not because I need validation, but because it feels awesome to be adorn my shape. I've proven that living a life I love isn't fatally irresponsible. You know what? Even in my bigger presence, no one comments on my bigger size. I am everything I was and so, so much more.
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Last night, my mom and I watched an episode of Tidying Up With Marie Kondo, a show based on the KonMari method of organizing and cleaning. It reminded us that the ways we keep our home organized and full of joy are essentially the same ways we bring these things elements into our lives.
Take a step back from your life to assess the areas that have become cluttered or they’ve become so full, you’ve lost track of what’s in it. Are there relationships that take a lot of time and energy, but no longer bring you joy? Are there routines that you continue with only out of habit rather than necessity or choice? Are there old hobbies taking away from new passions you haven’t had the time to pursue? It’s not until we take the time to assess and organize our lives that we can recognize these areas that have become cluttered. What’s worse, is that sometimes those cluttered spaces in our lives contain things we really value, things that bring us a lot of joy, but that we haven’t experienced them in so long, we’ve forgotten about them. If you could press pause on your day-to-day and evaluate your relationships, hobbies, habits, ways you spend your free time, etc, I bet you’d rediscover some valuable things you forgot about. Give yourself the opportunity to hold it in front of you and ask, “Does this serve and bring joy to the life I want to be living?” or has it stuck around simply because you just never got rid of it. I’ll propose the GiMari method of organizing and cleaning your life: Area by area, evaluate the elements of your life in their totality. Look at relationships (friends, family, coworkers, counselors) and ask if these people are supporting the version of You that you want to grow into. If they are, celebrate and spend more time with them. If they aren’t, allow yourself to mourn the loss and reallocate your energy. Pay attention to your daily routines and habits. From the time you wake up to the time you go to bed, what items do you use? When do you check social media? What times do you eat? Are you watching TV or playing on the computer? Do you read? Are you studying? If you had to make a conscious choice to do each of these things, would you say yes, or are you doing it because it’s habit? The actions should be bringing you joy or be crucial to fulfilling your obligations. Habits are the things we do over and over, and the things we do determine who we are. Act according to who you want to be. Notice the way you eat and the foods you choose. Do you sit down for meals or are you eating on the go? Is your food freshly prepared or out of plastic? Does it make you feel energized, healthy, and happy? Review the things you are putting into your body and make sure that what you have in your house is supporting your health so you can function at your best every single day. You get it, right? The things in your life need to set you up for your success and happiness. Reorganize your day-to-day to be joyful, functional, and supportive. Whether it's time, people, or things - Celebrate or reallocate! I’ll have to talk to Marie Kondo to collaborate with her on this one… Have you ever caught yourself saying, "I'm confused. I just don't know what to do" when you in fact know exactly what you want to do?
Often it's not clarity that we are seeking, but rather commitment. We are trying to find the place in our hearts and minds that feels settled when we fully take action in one direction. The "confusion" is the byproduct of our soul wanting to move forward when we keep yanking it back to agitated stillness. We tell ourselves stories about how we are unsure, but what we really feel is more like fear. You are already clear. It's been inside you since the first moment that you felt the excitement of butterflies in your stomach and the jumping of your heart. Now it's time to commit and take action towards the path you have been shying away from. Trust that you know what you want, then go get it! (This is an example of a Love Note. Want to read something like this once a week? Sign up to receive Love Notes in your e-mail and you can cancel anytime if you get sick of my perspective, inspiration, or tips.) |
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