Gina Molinari yoga, wellness, travel and coaching
It's been a year since I met my Grapefruit.
I first felt her as I was laying in the field of Valley Forge Park under the eerie dim sky of the solar eclipse. Everything had fallen silent in the confusion, the unveiling, as though a portal had been opened to our dazed eyes. The pain grew for days. Orion and I retreated to the cabin and dove behind the veil. I was lost where I couldn't hide. A wasp stung the sole of my foot as I looked at a withering mushroom, and the radiating fury of its poison was a welcome reprieve from the dizzying discomfort in my stomach. My insides shook me to tears with every step I stumbled. By the time we came home, I was doubled over holding the hurt. He drove me to work and I taught a class from the floor distracted by thoughts of dying the way my Grandmother had.
When I walked through the hospital doors, uninsured, I never expected it to cost $12,000, but it didn't matter. It was a pain I couldn't bare backed by fear that pulsed venom through my blood and sent me pleading for help and answers.
Six hours in the ER, an MRI, and 2 ultrasounds later, I had been introduced to my Grapefruit.
My uterine fibroid, a benign tumor mass that grew between my uterus and ovary, had been pressing its frustrations against my diaphragm, stomach and low back. I know now that the intensity of the pain was partially exacerbated by GERD. I had been so ignorant to my body's messages that it needed to attack from multiple angles before I'd pay attention.
Having an ultrasound brought me to tears. Women having babies get ultraounds, but I was there in pain getting measurements of the muscle my uterus built around itself. If had been pregnant, the fibroid would have allowed no space for a baby to grow.
A year later and my Grapefruit is still there, still twice the size of my uterus. I used acupuncture, Chinese herbs, diet changes, DIM supplement and a whole lotta self-love to manage it and I don't feel pain anymore, but I still feel it's presence. I'm okay. We are managing well.
A friend said to me the other day (and I'm paraphrasing immensely), "I think you love it too much. You've let it become part of you and you don't really want it to leave." He's right. My Grapefruit, she was born out of my hatred for everything that made me Woman, then she taught me how to love being a Woman. She made me aware of my gifts, my ability to create. I learned to love her and kindly say thank you. My Grapefruit would never allow space for a baby, but it was okay because I didn't want it. I didn't hate it.
It's a tough one for me to make sense of, and I still haven't quite wrapped my head around the depth of this lesson. My Grapefruit. I love it for they way it taught me to listen, to love, to care for myself, to appreciate my natural gifts. I love it because I feel shame for having created it out of my hatred. The way I felt my community rise up to support and comfort me. I love it because it is uniquely female, and mine.
But, as all things I love, I must be willing to let her go. Decay, shrivel, and die. A martyr, a memorial, a memory. I must be willing to let my uterus release its anti-baby muscle so I can empower myself with that decision, even if that means letting the space stay empty.
I loved my Grapefruit for this past year, but I'm ready for her to go.
In attempt to make sense of it all…
How quickly my attention, passion, drive shifts from one thing to the next (with social media distractions along the way to slow myself down). I’ve got SO MUCH TO SAY, to teach, to share. Sure, I want to monetize it (but not because I value richness of money, but to have money means less time invested in survival means more time sharing/teaching), but really I want people around me to feel rich and fulfilled.
I don’t want any more “woe is me” monologues. I want to be surrounded by empowered people using their gifts and skills to pursue an aligned and meaningful life. I want those people to be YOU, no exceptions. I want every person on this planet to be uplifted by every other person so, together, we can achieve [happiness]. I want the activists to stand on the tallest mountain of a soapbox with a crowd around them listening and activating. I want inventors to create their Thing. Writers and artists and musicians to share their art and soul without starving. I want people to get out of their bubbles, to experience the world and her cultures, and UNDERSTAND how interconnected we are, we must be. To travel, to interact, the greatest warriors against our blissful ignorance. To look eachother deeply in the eyes and see our commonalities and embrace the uniqueness of our differences.
I want you to excite over the contractions of fear and insecurity because you know the brilliant expansion that follows. I want people who are shooting for the stars to not give up when the air gets thin. Support systems, communities that uplift. A network of motivators, instigators, and creators rising up in a floodgate crushing wave of people getting OUT THERE, doing what they love.
Sure, in many moments I may look scatterbrained. There may be too many commas to make sense of the sentence. But inside, beyond the anxiety of getting it all done, I am a giddy little girl, OVERJOYED. Literally, it’s pouring out of my shaking hands and exploding chest. I LOVE YOU ALL SO DAMN MUCH. I’m overflowing with all the Love I never knew how to direct, how to show. I want to pour it over you and wrap you in it. I want you to feel it and spread it like a vine that covers all the hopeless and dead things and colors them vibrantly alive. I LOVE YOU and I want you to feel ease, abundance, joy, passion, hope, meaning. These are not just words. They are yours. You can have them and I am willing to work tirelessly to show you how. Watch my example, listen when I teach through stories, TRY IT when I challenge you. Step out, step up, and believe in yourself in the ways I believe in you. Strangers, you too. You don’t know my Love and I don’t have your story, but I believe in you because I am 100% certain that success is there waiting for you. I am beyond the blindfolds and shackles of ignorance and I know this is the Truth. This LOVE I have inside, spilling out, it’s in you.
May the tides of my own moondrawn sea pull your own a bit closer to shore so we may touch it, taste it, and be washed over in the KNOWING of your magnificence.
No part of me wants to stand alone in my Joy. No part of me says “this is only mine”. I can’t walk on water, nor would I, unless you were there with me. A sea of empowered individuals. This peace is no satisfaction if I’m in it alone. Join me on these shores. Dip your toes into water at the edge of the terrifyingly abysmal unknown. Look out at the potential, possibility and know that it belongs to you. Let me hold your fear while you navigate those waves. Let your Brothers and Sisters pick you up and wipe the sand from you, just as you will do for them.
I digress… I’m doing this because I believe with every fiber of my being that you deserve it. I’ll figure it out because I want it to make sense for you, so you believe it. My topics may seem wide or disconnected (travel, yoga, career), but they all boil down to this: This one, precious life is yours. You deserve, and you can, without a doubt, live a life you are absolutely in LOVE with. You are capable of, and you will, turn potential into practice, dreams into reality. You are all this and so much more.
If you believe you have no one in your corner, please look up to see me here. Look up and feel the presence of a Universe that loves you unconditionally and wants you to succeed. Unconditionally. Please stand up, because someone is watching YOU and you will inspire someone else. Please lead the life you WANT, not the life you’ve limited yourself to. Start the wildfire that will consume doubt, smallness, and wasted potential. Transform yourself into the Phoenix you’ve been hiding. Rise from your own ashes, and as you soar beyond, let the power of your wings clear space and create light for all those behind you, waiting to transform themselves.
I’m doing this because, as a Human, as a creature of this Earth and a being of this dimension, I KNOW we are more. But we must all wake up. You need to create your art. You need to speak your truth. You need to guide your people.
All this in the name of that ultimate LOVE.
Indulgent and delicious.
Frozen bananas are the base to many vegan treats. They replace ice cubes, blend to a creamy consistency, and don't taste anything like bananas.
Yield: about 4 servings (but I don't really measure anything)
4 frozen ripe bananas (without peels)
2 Tbs cacao powder
shake of cinnamon
1 Tbs shredded coconut
1 cup milk alternative
2 shots Kahlua or Baileys (*optional*)
Blend in a Vitamix or other super strong blender. It should end up rather thick, not liquid like a smoothie. Adjust the amount of milk or bananas accordingly. Freeze 2-3 hours. Indulge.
Yesterday afternoon I received more e-mails, Facebook messages, and Instagram messages than I’ve ever collectively received in one day. They all stemmed from an Instagram story I posted with a picture of The 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferris and the caption “Re-studying the book that got me out of the 9-5 grind”.
I shared it from my sunny backyard on a Tuesday afternoon, rather than from a cubicle. The only boss telling me what to do was myself. I was studying something not only out of utility, but for the joy of it. Basically, I modeled living life on my own terms and showied by example that I was thriving.
First of all, if you’ve never read the book, I highly suggest it, even if you like your 9-5 gig. (This is an affiliate link if you want tograb a copy)
Here’s why: it lays out, with practical questions and clearly defined steps, how to live life on purpose.
Not creating tasks for the sake of getting something done.
Not keeping yourself small by setting small goals.
Not wasting your freedom when you’ve found it.
A wise woman said to me the other day “…then I realized life is not a dress rehearsal and I booked [that thing]”.
We get one shot at this lifetime and we damn well better make the most of it. Live passionately, act with intent, and experience your life on purpose.
Take one step today. Bonus points if you aim at something so big it nearly seems impossible.
PS – I hear you guys and I’m coming to answer your calls. In the coming weeks I’m putting together a system to support you in getting what you want. I want to share practical steps to transitioning from a job you had forever, planning the trip you’ve dreamt about, or creating a balanced lifestyle. Call it coaching if you want, but it’s support from my heart to you.
Ramblings, insights, & motivation