I’ve started writing this 7 times, each slightly different. What do I want to say? I’m frustrated with Western medicine. I’m angry that I went to the ER for a diagnosis and they never mentioned what could have caused this enlarged fibroid (though I am grateful for the diagnosis and modern medical imaging). I’m angry that the common “solutions” include hysterectomies, destroying uterine lining, hormone treatment similar to sparking early menopause, and surgeries to kill the fibroid. Western medicine fails to acknowledge that the fibroid isn’t the “problem”, it’s a gracious warning sign that something else is out of balance. It’s my body’s way of alerting me to a deeper issue that needs to be dealt with. Western medicine would have me treat this occurrence only to leave the root issues unresolved and forcing my body to continue sending out its “are you paying attention yet?!” signs.
Physiologically, the cause is a hormone imbalance. My body is processing too much estrogen, either because it’s producing too much or I am taking in too much through my diet. The true solution is to find balance here. Simply getting rid of the fibroid would be like removing the “collapsed road” signs and continuing to drive along. I can do it for awhile, but somewhere down the road I will have to stop. In fact, the imbalance had already manifested in ways like abdominal bloating, water retention, weight gain, and cramps that I’ve shrugged off as minor annoyances. Intense pain was the only way to stop me long enough to actually look at the root of the problem.
Four years ago I read Love, Medicine, & Miracles by Dr. Bernie Siegel. Drawing from a clinical background, Dr. Siegel discusses self-healing and how our physiological illnesses and diseases are actually dis-eases of the soul and the emotional body. We repress something, hate something, or neglect something, and it shows up as a physical manifestation demanding our immediate attention. After reading that book, I had no doubt that I’d one day end up with some medical issue impacting the parts of my body that made me a woman. I grew up absolutely loathing my womaness – periods, the anatomy, wearing a bra, the expectations to not have hair in certain places. When my mom gave me “the talk”, I begged her to make me a boy.
My misunderstanding of the gifts of being a woman and an overall lack of love for my body continued to create unhealthy conditions as I got older. Through my late teens and early 20s I found myself in bad sexual situations, feeling betrayed by both my own body and boys I had trusted. I felt powerless and continued to hate my female anatomy for the trouble it seemed to bring me. I wanted my vagina to be lined with teeth, my uterus to disappear. Is it any surprise that after hating being a girl for half my life, my body reacted? My self-loathing attacked my uterus, the part of my body that is undeniably female.
It was only after my recent trip abroad that I made conscious efforts to embrace it – to be proud of being a woman, a creator, a Goddess in all the ways the divine feminine wanted me to embrace. I’ve experimented with allowance for tenderness, sensuality, sweetness, and confidence. Maybe the fibroid, essentially a muscle mass, is actually my feminine flexing super hard after being repressed for so many years?
Life isn’t always gentle with its messages, but sometimes that’s because the whispers went unheard and I need a blaring siren to alert me that something is askew. As I’m learning, this is another necessary lesson. It’s time to mean it when I say I am going to LOVE and care for myself, especially the parts I’ve historically disrespected. It’s time to accept a bloated belly and weight gain and love my body just the same. It’s time to find balance in being a woman. It’s time to focus on the cause of the issue, to understand it’s emotional and physiological roots, and heal those places rather than accepting a band-aid to make the outside temporarily feel better.
I’m going to heal this, but I’m starting at the root of it. I know you want to know what I’m going to DO, so to ease your worried minds: 1) 100% whole food plant-based diet (vegan) 2) acupuncture 3) DIM estrogen balancing supplement 4) emotional healing work for some old wounds 5) spending time with everyday Goddesses who are examples of embracing the feminine 6) loving my body even when it seems to be hurting me
What I need from you: 1) share your concern, but then talk to me about something other than how I’m feeling 2) don’t try to convince me that my fertility should be a priority, trust me when I say I do not intend to have children, ever 3) share your personal fibroid stories and solutions 4) have patience with making plans as some days are good and some are rough
In love and eternal healing for all,